demimonde-quasigoddess:

I’VE GOT A CAR FULL OF BOMB AND A FIST FULL OF PENIS AND A HEAD FULL OF EMPTY!!!

These fuckers go through getaway cars like an imperially installed dictator trying to cope with the instability of their position and the countless atrocities they’ve committed goes through cocaine.
It’s legitimately unhealthy. They have some kind of nondescript stolen vehicle retrofitted with a stronger engine and armored plating addiction, and an even bigger addiction to seeing their latest creation blow up to delay the cops/felt/Team Sleuth/whomever, or just for fun if it’s a slow day.

The good news is, they’ve got the ridiculous offscreen shenanigans that ensure they always have classy speakeasies and secret hideouts to escape to in whatever town they’ll be stopping in for the night, enough smokes to give a gang of weaker constitution late-stage lung cancer from a glance, and shadow magic. If any of this doesn’t work it’s shadow magic, roll with it.

• Slick drives. Slick always drives, unless he decides he wants to shoot at people behind them, in which case he shouts for Droog to take the wheel, at which point Droog has Deuce take the wheel (In Slick’s lap).
• Dammit Droog, that’s not what he wanted.
• Droog says he’s too busy shooting to take the wheel.
• Boxcars cuts in and says he’ll drive, ending the debate an hour early. Deuce is lost in the confusion and somehow ends up on the pursuers’ vehicle.
• This sequence of events is a near-daily occurrence.
• Droog is usually shotgun, but prefers an M16 or tommygun in most cases. Drivebys are efficient and functional intimidation tactics.
• Deuce and Boxcars are usually in charge of dispatching pursuers or boarders, or rigging/disarming relevant explosives.
• They have also ridden on a motorcycle with Boxcars in a sidecar at least once.
• They literally only listen to Jazz ever. There’s potential for some kind of battle-of-the-bands AU between them and the Felt over their musical stylings, but I don’t know enough about music to write it.
• Ms. Paint gets kidnapped once and then throws Boxcars bodily at the other 3 and hijacks their vehicle, forcing them to engage in a prolonged firefight until they can retreat to a nearby hideout.
• Clubs Deuce is never allowed to drive a full-size vehicle unless Boxcars is the only other person in said vehicle.
• Very occasionally they make a smooth getaway and actually engage in road trip shenanigans like Slick falling asleep, getting carefully shuffled to the passenger seat, and pranked by Boxcars and Deuce before he wakes up while Droog drives, if Droog wasn’t already the one driving to begin with (he usually is, in such cases)